Thing I hate #32: People Who Drive Just Slightly Under the Speed Limit

If there’s anything more maddening than being stuck behind someone driving a few miles under the speed limit it’s got to be like, the Chipmunks movies, or Jamie Kennedy or something.

And it’s not the people who are going way below the speed limit – the ones who take it down 10 or 15 mph. because that’s so absurd you’re allowed to get angry, or assume their car is broken or that they’re getting road head or something. But seriously. All drivers should know that unwritten rule of the road which is “always drive at least five miles above the speed limit, because only cretins actually go 25 in a residential.” To me, going to actual speed limit feels slow, so I have a hard time understanding the asshats who creep along even slower than that. Don’t they have shit to do? Aren’t they worried about the long line of cars behind them, especially the one that’s glued to their bumper with the pissed-off looking driver behind the wheel? Can they not hear the honking?


I know some people are going to chime in with the following, for which I have very persuasive arguments prepared:

You know, it’s safer to go slow.
Yes, but it’s not safer to piss off the people who have to drive behind you, and who will be taking the first opportunity to zoom around, flash you a death stare and speed off driving even faster than normal because they are now late/angry.

My car just doesn’t go that fast.
Then you need a new car.

I don’t want to get a ticket.
No one does. Which is why you should be going the speed limit, minimum.

I’m old/a student driver/looking for parking/mostly blind.
Then you should limit your time behind the wheel to remote country roads and South America. Because I will not be in those places.

These are the same asshats who think merging onto the freeway at 35-40 mph is a really swell idea. I imagine them in the car going “My word, Margery, will you just look at all those automobiles driving so fast! Why, they’re going to just ruin their gas mileage. And miss the scenery.” Meanwhile, anyone in that lane approaching them is going, “Fuuuuuuuuuuck…”

There is a special section of hell reserved for people who drive under the speed limit, on the freeway and off. It also includes people who save spots in grocery checkout lines so their partner can come zooming in with a crazy-full cart at the last minute, and anyone who thinks it’s important to feed the pigeons. They’re rats with wings, people. And in that special section, they have to sit in a car, holding piping hot cups of coffee in their hands while getting rear-ended very 15 seconds. And all they can listen to is Raffi.

Featured photo courtesy of Tilemahos Efthimiadis/Flickr

3 Responses to “Thing I hate #32: People Who Drive Just Slightly Under the Speed Limit”
  1. Andrew Szypulski says:

    Its one thing to go under the limit drastically (we all hate those drivers) but another thing to say someone sticking at or near the limit is to blame for tailgating. If you tailgate its your problem. Just because someone’s sticking to the limit doesn’t mean you have to risk damaging their car.

    Also for the record speed limit does not mean minimum speed. Full stop. It means leave earlier and obey the law.

  2. Dengalbert Slaptyback says:

    The guy who wrote this needs a few more driving lessons. Terrible attitude.

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