Thing I love #26: Campfires

This one is actually kind of ironic because between the ages of four and six I was absolutely paranoid about the possibility of my house burning down, to the extent that I packed a bag every night of my most valuable possessions (stuffed animals and dress-up clothes) so I could hop out the window the … Continue reading

Thing I love #25: A No-wiper

You know what I mean. Photo courtesy of santellij/Flickr.

Thing I love #24: User Comments That Do Not Suck

The Three Wolf Moon shirt posted on Amazon has some of the most epic, fantastically funny product reviews ever. EVER. I don’t even know these people and I want to hang out with them. Some highlights: “Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a … Continue reading

Thing I hate #24: Harem Pants

Can someone please tell me how these keep (kind of) coming back in style? It’s like someone wanted their legs to look shorter, their ass to look bigger and their crotch to look like Jabba the Hut. I hate them so much that I’ve invented some slogans for them: “Harem Pants: For When You’re Tired … Continue reading

Thing I hate #23: Girls Who Wear Makeup When They Work Out

Of all the feminine idiosyncrasies, the one where girls slap on concealer and mascara before they head to the gym is possibly the most baffling to me. (Even more so than the one where they’re all “These stiletto heels? They’re so comfortable I could run in them!” …because no, they’re not.) ejmc/Flickr So because I … Continue reading

Thing I hate #22: That Feeling When You’re on a Plane and Know You Forgot Something Important But Don’t Know What It Is

Because that’s just the worst. Photo courtesy of DocBudie/Flickr

Thing I love #23: Things on Sticks

Fuck if I know why, but I have always been fascinated by things on sticks. They strike me as elegant, extravagant and just really fun to wave around. Since I was a little kid anything attached to a stick or rod was very, very enticing. Including: Flags Fifi LePew/Flickr Even those wire flags made with … Continue reading

Thing I love #22: Cold Pizza

Pizza is one of the greatest foods in the world, as it combines bread, cheese, sausage and only occasionally vegetables, and then they’re in small doses. The taste is good, the smell is good, the fact that you can buy one and happily share it with pretty much any other human on the planet is … Continue reading

Thing I hate #21: German Chocolate Cake

German chocolate cake is awful. Because: 1. It is not German. Authentic German desserts include torte, strudel, marzipan and lebkuchen. Not the cobbled-together shitwad that is a German Chocolate cake. The current name of the recipe omits an important apostrophe; the cake should be called German’s Chocolate Cake after the man who invented it. 2, … Continue reading

Thing I love #21: Breakfast Food

“I’m a simple man, I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast foods.” – Ron Swanson Ron Swanson is a genius, and not just because he has a glorious mustache and a healthy dislike of most humans. He loves breakfast food with a fervor and loyalty that I totally understand. I honestly can’t think of a … Continue reading

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