Thing I hate #11: Women’s Beauty Magazines

The print/publication world is hurting right now and I’d personally like to hold women’s beauty magazines accountable. I’m sure they’re not actually the reason (since millions sell each month) but I hate them so much I’m going to heap all the blame on their lipstick- and ad-filled plate. Because every issue is exactly the same.

I am sucked in every now and then (I guess it’s the pretty pictures), and am always disappointed. The content is just the same vapid, unoriginal stuff we read last time, in a slightly-tweaked package. To that end, I will recreate every women’s magazine on the shelves this month for you below. You are welcome.

Cover featuring woman with hair blowing in wind/laughing delightedly. Enticing bits of text on cover will include:

  • [big number] Saucy Ideas for the Bedroom!
  • [number] Exercise & Diet Tips or reference to a “Bikini Body”
  • [small number] New Beauty Products You Can’t Live Without!

20-30 pages of ads. Some will have a strong smell.


This season’s fashion trends:

  • Spring: Florals are in!
  • Summer: Bold colors!
  • Fall: Chunky Knits!
  • Winter: Boots! Also, get ready for spring!


What to wear for your body type:

  • Ruffled tops makes boobs look bigger.
  • Belted things make waists look smaller.
  • Dresses with flowy skirts hide monster thighs.
  • Sleeves are a good idea if you have flabby arms.

A shit-ton of new and probably-all natural makeup products you definitely can’t live without. They will be arranged artfully and smeared on various surfaces.


Quick-and-easy hairstyles, like…

  • Ponytails
  • Using headbands
  • Letting your hair air dry and not messing it up that much, but using this one amazing product that will make it shine and ripple in the wind and not go flat


Exercise tips, all of which feature a model totally lacking muscle definition:

  • Do cardio. It burns calories while you work out.
  • Do weights. It burns calories after you work out.
  • Work your core. This is what bikinis show off.
  • Set goals. Otherwise how will you know if you fail?


Diet tips:

  • Eat mini meals all day.
  • Use smaller plates, because then it will look like you have more food.
  • Fats – but not all of them – are good for you. So eat fish and nuts. Just not too much.
  • Colorful foods are best, because color = vitamins.
  • Don’t skip breakfast!


Embarrassing stories from readers:

  • I was in a public place and I got my period.
  • I was with my crush/boyfriend/husband and I farted.
  • I was in a public place with my parents/grandparents and one of them said something embarrassing.
  • I wore a skirt/dress without underwear and it was a windy day.

Sex Tips:

  • Kiss him somewhere other than the mouth.
  • New sex position! (Not really, just the reverse version of a normal one)
  • Have sex somewhere other than the bed! Or not at night!
  • Read a romance novel and leave love notes. This will surely fire both of you up.
  • Lingerie!
  • Quote from someone who is a “sexpert”

mod as hell/Flickr

Interview with Celebrity on cover

  • “I love working out and eating healthy. No, really.”
  • “I was a dork in high school! No, really.”
  • “My indulgences? Good chocolate and really expensive shoes. Also massages. I like massages.”
  • “I take time to be ME.”
  • “My beauty essentials are Chapstick and moisturizer made from the tears of hummingbirds. I can’t live without them!”

Serious article: The Hidden Killer [depression, mercury, cancer, processed foods] or Inspirational Woman [fights depression, mercury, cancer, processed foods]


3 Responses to “Thing I hate #11: Women’s Beauty Magazines”
  1. Kenzie says:

    This just made my day.

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