Thing I Hate #5: Rat Tails

Photo courtesy of Gracezorz/flickr

Both kinds.


Instance #1: The haircut.

Possibly the worst haircut idea in history, the rat tail tries to be it all, and succeeds in just being heinous. It is neither mullet (see: ironic and hilarious) or buzz cut (see: conservative, military, intense). It is neither long hair on a boy (hippie, liberal, rebellious) nor short (standard, plain, boy next door). It is neither ballsy (see: handlebar mustache, mohawk, neck tattoo) nor appropriate (see: hair of uniform length). If I see you, sir, walking down the street towards me with your close-cropped hair all I will think is “Ah. Just another standard member of the male species.” Maybe I’ll even smile at you as I walk by.

But then you pass me.

And the wisp of hair trailing down your back catches my eye.

And I will never take you seriously again.

I just want to know why. Why on earth does one grow a rat tail? For several weeks in fifth grade I sat behind a boy with a rat tail and not a day went by that I didn’t fantasize about cutting it off. What does the rat tail add? Nothing. What does it take away? Dignity.

Instance #2: The actual rat tail

Creepy as all get-out, the rat tail is second on the list of animal appendages I do NOT want brushing up against my bare skin (the first being anything fish-related: scales, tentacles, fins). It’s a naked, finger-less arm extending from the butt of a rodent that eats dead things and carries the plague. Of course they’re awful.

Photos courtesy of specialKRBsurprise truck

6 Responses to “Thing I Hate #5: Rat Tails”
  1. Jen says:

    Me and my cousin collect rat tails. There cute.

  2. Super Duper Long Rattail Boy says:

    I tell you what sweetie (that is if you are a girl), if you were sitting behind me in my class and I thought you was gonna try to cut my rattail off, which was completely down my back that the end would touch my seat when I sat down I would make sure it was tucked inside my shirt, or you would have been slapped royally if you tried. All the girls loved my tail down my back.

  3. Rongeur says:

    “naked”? Have you ever tried touching a rat tail? I have a pet rat and I can assure you it’s not “naked”. The tail is covered by little hairs and it does not feel like bare skin at all. Rat tails are used mostly for thermoregulation, those poor creatures need it.
    And by the way, you’ve used pictures of pet rats in your article. Those are NOT the rats that used to be hosts of fleas carrying plague (rattus rattus), but pet (or laboratory) rats called rattus norvegicus in latin. There’s nothing wrong with them. My rat is a completely healthy creature with a surprising intelligence. He doesn’t eat anything dead or rotten, actually, he chooses his food very carefully and I even had to throw a packet of rat food away because he refused to eat it.

  4. rats tails are vile says:

    i agree…my friend has rats and when you pick them up their tails wrap around your arms and i think theyre vile :( and the hair is so unnatractive…

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