I’ve moved. I’m concentrating my efforts on a new blog more closely linked to my Etsy shop. I’ve carried over all of the posts found here (and will continue writing more of the same), and you can also look forward to/ignore new posts on baking and crafty tutorials and artsy crap. Because I’m really into that. Keep hanging out with me at The Sisters Oberth. Please.

Happy internet,

Lexi

photo courtesy of paul.malon

1. In ‘n Out Burgers

2. Ice Cream (includes soft serve, frozen yogurt, milkshakes, gelato, etc.)

3. Donuts

4. Vanilla Yogurt

5. Guinness / Belgian Wheat Beers

Foods That produce Terrible-Tasting Burps

1. Shellfish

2. Coffee

3. Beef stew

4. Sauerkraut

5. Salami

Featured photo courtesy of a shadow of my future self / Flickr

From the July Issue of Backpacker Magazine

AND YOU CAN BUY THEM NOW AT URBAN OUTFITTERS. Above: The Herschel Supply Co. Little America Backpack.

From the July Issue of Backpacker Magazine

Herschel Supply Co. Pop Quiz Backpack

From the July Issue of Backpacker Magazine

Allson Hiking Backpack

Eating nachos properly requires planning and careful execution, and it just takes one hungry, manners-less friend to blow it all to hell. For starters, nachos are not a sandwich. There’s a flow. You don’t get all the goodies in all the bites; you have to portion them out, make trades and swaps as you go, and work through some sub-par mouthfuls in preparation for the really good ones. Did you just have a naked, kind of soggy chip soaked in bean juice? That’s okay. If you’ve planned it out right, there’s going to be a mouthgasm of guacamole and salsa and cheese in the near future.

But eat nachos around other people, and they somehow think it’s fine to grab some for themselves, which inevitably screws you, the nacho master, over. Fuck you guy, I’ve been looking forward to that tasty cheese-laden mouthful for minutes. And do not scoop all the guacamole out of the middle. THAT’S WHERE I’M SAVING IT FOR THE UNDERNEATH-EVERYTHING-AND-MISSED-ALL-THE-TOPPINGS CHIPS, YOU TOOL.

I don’t even know how you’re supposed to navigate nachos as an appetizer. I feel like that’s a good way to break up with someone, because what is more brutal than ruining someone’s nacho flow? Not much, guys. Not much.

” Todd took every bite of cheese on those things. And he kept licking his fingers. I guess it’s over.”

*Mad props if you actually do this.

Featured photo courtesy of ammanteufel/Flickr

If there is chipped paint or slightly rusted metal, use it.
Just repeat a bunch of shit.
Make it out of stuff you can buy Home Depot/Michaels.
Make the shoppers feel stupid they didn’t think of it themselves.

And I absolutely love them.

bret gullborg/Flickr

loevnichero/Flickr

Susan Magnolia/Flickr

whistlepunch/Flickr

whistlepunch/Flickr

somenametoforget/Flickr

Dave Pinter/Flickr

wukong/Flickr

whistlepunch/Flickr

Shawn Hoke Photography/Flickr

roboppy/Flickr

alohavictoria/Flickr

Featured photo courtesy of Fatty Tuna/Flickr

And it’s not the people who are going way below the speed limit – the ones who take it down 10 or 15 mph. because that’s so absurd you’re allowed to get angry, or assume their car is broken or that they’re getting road head or something. But seriously. All drivers should know that unwritten rule of the road which is “always drive at least five miles above the speed limit, because only cretins actually go 25 in a residential.” To me, going to actual speed limit feels slow, so I have a hard time understanding the asshats who creep along even slower than that. Don’t they have shit to do? Aren’t they worried about the long line of cars behind them, especially the one that’s glued to their bumper with the pissed-off looking driver behind the wheel? Can they not hear the honking?

the.Official/flickr

I know some people are going to chime in with the following, for which I have very persuasive arguments prepared:

You know, it’s safer to go slow.
Yes, but it’s not safer to piss off the people who have to drive behind you, and who will be taking the first opportunity to zoom around, flash you a death stare and speed off driving even faster than normal because they are now late/angry.

My car just doesn’t go that fast.
Then you need a new car.

I don’t want to get a ticket.
No one does. Which is why you should be going the speed limit, minimum.

I’m old/a student driver/looking for parking/mostly blind.
Then you should limit your time behind the wheel to remote country roads and South America. Because I will not be in those places.

These are the same asshats who think merging onto the freeway at 35-40 mph is a really swell idea. I imagine them in the car going “My word, Margery, will you just look at all those automobiles driving so fast! Why, they’re going to just ruin their gas mileage. And miss the scenery.” Meanwhile, anyone in that lane approaching them is going, “Fuuuuuuuuuuck…”

There is a special section of hell reserved for people who drive under the speed limit, on the freeway and off. It also includes people who save spots in grocery checkout lines so their partner can come zooming in with a crazy-full cart at the last minute, and anyone who thinks it’s important to feed the pigeons. They’re rats with wings, people. And in that special section, they have to sit in a car, holding piping hot cups of coffee in their hands while getting rear-ended very 15 seconds. And all they can listen to is Raffi.

Featured photo courtesy of Tilemahos Efthimiadis/Flickr

1. He hates people.
2. He is so. Damn. Good. At. Awkward.
3. He is not afraid of wearing turtlenecks and unitards.

Which is why his mock-interview show Between Two Ferns with Zach Galiafinakis is one of the best possible ways you can waste time on the internet.

(The original)

Bonus clip: Galiafinakis is also responsible for possible the greatest cover of Kanye’s You Can’t Tell Me Nothin’ ever. Ever.

I am not one of those people.

I like eavesdropping and listening in on things I shouldn’t. I also stare at people. In other words: I have little to no manners, and humans fascinate me. And I’m really, really good at sitting perfectly still and pretending to read my book while listening to others.

For those of you who don’t want assholes like me listening to your conversations on public transit, in grocery stores or while we wait in line for Disney’s Matterhorn ride, here are a few keywords that you should avoid. Not only will the make my ears prick up, but they are inappropriate and should only be discussed in the privacy of your home, car or doctor’s office. I’ve also included a list of topics that are so boring they should never be discussed, whether in public or otherwise.

10 Things To Not Talk About In Public Because I Will Totally Listen To Them:

1. Secrets.

2. Anything that involved the police.

3. Things your kids put in their nose/the toilet.

4. How your partner does that one thing in bed.

5. Holidays with family that were absolutely disastrous.

6. Pretty serious injuries.

7. Pretty much anything that opens with, “So I’m at the Renaissance Faire…”.

8. Revenge.

9. Disconcerting visits to the doctor’s office.

10. That time you hit someone’s pet with your car.

On the reverse side, there are some topics that shouldn’t be discussed in public, like, ever, because they are so incredibly dull. Save that crap for when you’re at home and can Skype with your equally-nerdy friends, not out in public when I’m busy trying to overhear the actually-interesting things other people talk about.

10 Things Not To Talk About In Public Because I Will Find Them Incredibly Boring:

1. Your pets.

2. Any confusion as to why “he/she hasn’t called yet.”

3. How much fun you had at Disneyland.

4. Salad recipes.

5. Your cervix.

6. Fantasy novel recommendations.

7. Youtube videos.

8. What picky eaters your kids are.

9. The apps on your smartphone/iPad.

10. Your alcohol tolerance.

Featured photo courtesy of nicos providakis/Flickr

Now it’s my turn.

And I hate status updates.

All of ‘em. Why? Because there isn’t a goddamn thing you can include in a status update that doesn’t annoy me, somehow.*

1. The “Woe is me” cry for attention.

Stop whining. If you want a hug or reassurance, go to your mom/pet/online boyfriend who understands all your needs. If you just want people to feel sorry for you, chances are we already do. Just not for the reasons you posted in your update.

2. The “My life is soooo awesome!” brag.

kait jarbeau is in love with you/Flickr

Jesus.

We get it. You’re doing something you enjoy. Something we probably wish we were doing too. But we aren’t. We’re staring at a computer screen, in a shitty office or late at night alone in our bedroom.

And these status updates usually contain that stupid heart symbol. Or way too many exclamation points (i.e., two), a grammatical trend that makes me want to hurt things (i.e., the people that use them). Are the point of these updates to make us jealous? Or to make sure we know what you’re doing at all times? Or to buoy our spirits that somewhere, somehow, our friends have figured out how to have a good time without us? How about you go do your thing and if something story-worthy happens, you tell me about it over beers when we actually hang out. Which, if you fall into the 90% of my Facebook friends that I don’t actually ever see in real life, will probably be never. Thanks.

3. Shitty pictures of food. Make that, any food at all.

edenspodek/Flickr

So you eat things. Congratulations.

I would be way more interested in pictures of people’s morning dumps the day after than of the super-fancy meal/giant sundae/homemade pizza they’re actually posting. If you want to start a food blog no one reads, go do that so I don’t have see your terrible iPhone pictures on my computer screen.

4. The “Nobody gives a shit” update

Sometimes someone will post an update that is just an incredibly mundane fact about their day. And that offense should be punishable by a sharp slap in the ass with a hockey stick.

So here is my plea: Stop updating. Use it sparingly. If something big goes down, something you really want to share with hundreds of people, post it. If it tells them something groundbreaking and important to you, or will bring a smile to their face, or informs them of something you feel passionate about, fine. But if you post another picture of your and your roommates making duckfaces and peace signs at some club you will deserve the slap I give you next time I see you. Which probably won’t be soon.

I want to give a medal to each and every person who takes the time to point out grammatical errors, or post acerbic and biting retorts to the worst of the Facebook status offenders. You guys are my shining stars.

*Obviously there is the rare, hilarious exception to this rule. Because I am a hypocrite, and also because I like knowing when my friends embarrass themselves, or share a funny link, or when animals poop in unexpected places. I’m sure that this post will comeback to bite me in the ass someday.

Featured image courtesy of Finger Food/Flickr

How bad does the Urban Sketchers group on Flickr make you want to grab a moleskine and jump on a plane and find a cafe in some new town and order coffee and draw things?

Probably real bad.

bodiley48/Flickr

Seven Seas of Rhye/Flickr

isaac duenyas/Flickr

ALVARO CARNICERO/Flickr

Featured photo courtesy of moosmini/Flickr